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Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Quotes

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Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, mankind should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have.

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If there's ever an amusement park called Bag World, I bet it would really start to annoy you after a while how they really sort of stretch the definition of 'bag.'

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You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests Just a big bag of blood.

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Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way.

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I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes Hey, better try the emergency brake

funny
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In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.

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I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, 'Tadpoles Tadpoles is a winner' We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do.

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The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car---I forget what kind it was---and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called 'Dad.' We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

strengthfamilykindness
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If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to make Corn on the cob is good, isn't it.

time
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Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that his arms and legs form 'spokes.' Happiness is when he stops.

happiness