Note A Quote

Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Quotes

0

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable---until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD

0

Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune after a little torture.

lifechange
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If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, 'Injection I thought you said inspection'.' They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.

1

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were 'just going down to the corner.'

mistakesaging
0

Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first thing we do is see if they have some kind of pornography booth

funnykindness
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To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

music
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If doctors ever tell you that you've 'flipped out,' don't believe them, and just keep on doing what you were doing, because something tells me 'the Man' is behind this.

0

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.

0

If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat)

life
0

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.

waiting